Family Matters: Holiday Edition

Be present.

‘Crazy uncle’ tropes aside, family gatherings can be A LOT, amiright? Since we’ve watched friends and loved ones literally twist themselves into candy canes worrying about their get-togethers—and even royals, it seems, are not immune—we vowed to get some answers. So we reached out to friend of The Verse, positive psychiatrist Samantha Boardman, and per usual she gave a name to that precise feeling of ick. “It's like a dread, collision, regret cycle. It’s the anticipatory dread of it, the actual experience of it and then the regret. Why did I say that?” Sound familiar?  

Dread, collision, regret. Repeat.

Samantha perfectly captures what happens for so many of us. “I think the dread happens because you've still got that idea of your ideal self, and then the reality of the experience itself, and then the regret about not showing up the way you wanted—and that you can't behave in the way that you think is commensurate with you.” We can’t disrupt the pattern without understanding where we get stuck.

Literally anything else.

So what’s a family member to do? Samantha’s recent article on persuasion fatigue warns against draining ourselves by trying to convince someone to agree with us. Instead of banging our head on the table, we can redirect. “Everybody knows something that you don't know,” Samantha says, so why not try a switcheroo from politics to lived experience? “Ask family members about their past, the family history. Ask questions and try to understand them, particularly if you have younger children. It's amazing how little we actually know about our extended family and even our own parents. But there's evidence that children who know their parents, grandparents and family histories are more resilient because it sort of de-centers them in the narrative and gives them a sense of perspective.”

Mix well.

Feeling like you revert into a previously assigned role the minute you step foot in a relative’s house? Though we love traditions, Samantha suggests switching it up. “There are these default relational experiences you have, and it's very hard to unlock that dynamic. It's very hard to switch the emotions—even if you come in with the best intentions—so you spiral into, "Here we go again." The 50-year-old man becomes that 12-year-old argumentative boy and the mother becomes this finger wagging librarian who she's trying not to be.”

Instead, try shifting the context. Maybe it's getting together at someone else's house. If you've always done lunch, maybe do dinner. Change up seating around the table. Before dessert, step outside for a breath of fresh air and a moment to reflect.

These simple shifts in the moment can disrupt the spiral. “If you feel it coming on, excuse yourself and go to the bathroom, splash some water on your face,” adds Samantha. “You just want to stop yourself from falling back into a place where you don't want to go.”

Recruit a reset ally.

Since we ourselves aren’t always the ones to spot a brewing conflict, bringing a trusted family member or SO in to help you recognize potential escalations can also help to ensure you show up as intended. Samantha suggests, “If you have somebody with you who can maybe knock you under the table and be like, ‘Let's go outside,’ that can interrupt the moment deliberately as you feel it coming on.” 

Such an intervention can be like pressing the reset button, even if you experience the break as a group. “It could be saying before dessert, ‘Everybody, let's go look at the moon outside,’” Samantha adds. “It shifts the dynamic and separates you from your mindset at that moment.”

Choose your family diet.

Similar to food, with family dynamics our eyes are often bigger than our stomach, leading us to feel we “should” spend breakfast, lunch and dinner as a family unit. “It's not only the scheduling, but also the emotional investment in the ‘I should’-ing,” Samantha explains. “We think time together needs to be meaningful and productive, make us feel connected and loved, and reverse all the damage our parents ever did over the course of our lives.” 

Since that’s obviously not realistic, an alternative is to approach it strategically. Maybe dinner is enough, followed by meeting for coffee or a walk in the park the following day. Choosing non-meal activities, Samantha says, is key. “I think meals in many families can be so fraught—that's where everything explodes. And that's where you have this imprinting of past meals and fall down that rabbit hole and spiral into negativity.” Interspersing meals with side-by-side activities such as a show or museum visit helps stop the spiral.

Finally, we can think of family time much like food consumption: portion size is key. “I recommend focusing on quality more than quantity,” adds Samantha. 

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