Change Your Perspective

Recast your perspective.

Ever cut someone off in traffic (accidentally, obvi)? If you’re like us, you mouth a big “sorrrryyyy” and spend a few miles fretting how you should have noticed the car before. But when someone else does the cutting off? We swear all the swears and seethe, for those same next few miles, absolutely sure that person specifically chose our car above all others and rode away cackling an evil villain laugh. Enter that oft-discussed Western/Eastern philosophical throughline, the ego. While a cousin of “egotistical” (and that word’s negative connotations), ego actually refers to the mental construct we use to navigate our world. Problems arise from the fact that our ego by design puts us in the starring role of every story. Passing the torch to a supporting cast allows us to see more clearly and reshape those alternate tales that bring more peace and understanding in our lives.

Give ‘em some grace.

You may want to cover your ego’s ears for this one, but ever-so-rarely is it all about you. We have to remember—especially now—that we have no idea what’s going on in someone’s life at any given moment, and that their words and actions are nearly never (petty social jockeying or sibling provocations aside) designed to annoy you. Also, we perceive what we expect to perceive, so if someone is rubbing us the wrong way, we will view everything they do through that lens. As this article rightly reminds us, people’s actions are driven by their personality, their current goals and—importantly—the constraints of their situation (something we rarely stop to discern). Our word for this pandemic year has been “grace,” for ourselves and others, and we plan to keep it around. Empathy will be another key factor to rewrite how we see our more fraught relationships.

Real it in, offline.

We are going to save you several vexing hours with a little reminder: email (or text or slack) is not capable of conveying tone (save an emoji assist), so that “ARE YOU COMING TO THIS MEETING???????” you’re reading might actually be, “Are you coming to this meeting?” As in, I hope to see your face. Sure, electronic communications are great for squaring calendars or sharing something juicy to read, but messages more nuanced should be taken offline. If truly IRL or virtual interactions are not possible (superior for their non-verbal cues), voice communication at least has some tone and offers the chance to probe more deeply. So before you hit reply or dish off a passive-aggressive “Per my last email,” remember to take it offline if it’s a happier ending you’re after.

Pick a hill to die on.

To savvy kitchen designers everywhere: We thank you for the often underappreciated genius of putting the sink very close to the dishwasher—a fact that is missed by (ahem) certain members of our households. By which we mean, completely ignored. While we could let this undo us on the daily, our annoyance simmering under the surface until we ruin a perfectly pleasant evening by making a federal case of it, we choose to shrug our shoulders and put the offending dishes in their place. We prefer to save our fire for the big stuff. Need a reality check? Dig up any Dear…. advice column for the kinds of truly petty things that can make a person harbor enough resentment to write them out and see if they get published (sheesh). Before you risk a brush with the petty police, think about putting pen to paper about your plight, and reading it out loud. If even you are mortified by the notion of airing such an objectively guileless grievance, here’s your permission to give it not another thought.