Green with Envy: How to Deal with Jealousy
Don’t be jelly.
We all casually throw around the “j” word, but anyone who has experienced true jealousy knows it’s powerfully unpleasant. Once again to quote from Brene Brown’s freshest tome, “Jealousy is when we fear losing a relationship or a part of a valued relationship that we already have.” She goes on to explain that it doesn’t appear to be a singular emotion, but rather a toxic mashup of anger, sadness and fear—so no wonder it packs a (gut) punch. And despite being self-described grown-ups, it's fair to say we’ve all experienced it from time to time. So the next time you hear the call of that green-eyed monster, try these tips before hip-hopping down the proverbial rabbit hole.
Get to the bottom of things.
Being very specific about the root of your jealousy can be illuminating. There, we will frequently find our own insecurities and perceived deficiencies, and if we can shed some light on them, we can begin to see the situation with more clarity. If jealousy is an equation of what we want minus what we have, it’s worth doing the math.
Get a second opinion.
As with any powerful, complex feeling, we tend to be blind to the objective reality of a given situation or others’ actions. By talking it through with a trusted confidant, we can get some much needed perspective on the situation—and relieve ourselves from suffering in silence.
Show & tell.
Honesty is the best policy, so if a friend or partner is doing things to rouse your feelings of jealousy, it’s best to let them know. As always, this should be done at a time when you feel you can be calm and articulate about what is going on for you. They may not realize the impact of their behavior, and we’d like to believe that if you consider them keepers, they are the kinds of people who would not want you in pain.
Give it an expiration date.
Sometimes when we get a pang of jealousy, it’s just that. The wonderful buddhist nun Pema Chodron believes that most strong emotions last just ninety seconds, so if we can sit on our hands and abide with them, they will wash away (unless, of course, we choose to reignite them). So feel all the feels, then let it go.
