Mother May I?: Becoming a Mom With the Help of Surrogacy

Evan Ryan

New Parent, Media Executive, Former State Department Educational and Cultural Affairs Whiz

What makes you feel like a real grown-up?
Urging my parents to stay home during COVID.

What’s the weirdest thing in your tote bag?
Wedderspoon Raw Manuka Honey

Best thing that happened to you in the 80s or 90s?
Going to work in the Clinton White House, where I met my husband.

Mother, May I? (Yes, you may.)

My quest to become a parent lasted almost a decade, starting in my thirties, which was something I never anticipated. I had multiple miscarriages and chemical pregnancies and though IVF worked in terms of producing embryos, I wasn’t able to sustain the pregnancies. I followed my intuition and decided to change doctors. I am so glad I did because I discovered that I had a clotting disorder. It was then that we started on our path to surrogacy.

When I look back I can’t believe how long the journey was. But like so many challenges in life, when I started, I always thought that the next month would be the month I would be pregnant and it would work. I always thought it was just about to work. In a way, not knowing how long it would truly take was a blessing. Even though on the surface, I kept thinking any day this will work, I remember having a gut feeling that this was something I had to walk through. I am sure many people may have had an experience like this, where deeper intuition ends up superseding logic. I know that helped me press on. 

The miscarriages and negative pregnancy tests were the real lows, and I also underestimated how long it can take to be matched with a surrogate. However, the unexpected gift of surrogacy has far outweighed the hard times. We were blessed with two different gestational surrogates and each of them feels like an angel in my life. I have nothing but pure admiration for them, there is just no way my children would be here without them. I also didn’t anticipate that the whole experience would create this incredible gratitude—not only for the obvious reason that they were miracle workers for us, but also for who they are: people with a capacity for giving that is overwhelming to behold. I can’t remember a time when I had such pure thankfulness for a person, and could marvel at their goodness and compassion. That was an unexpected gift. I knew I would be overwhelmed by the gift of my babies, but I didn’t know that observing these two incredibly special women would change my view of humanity. It left me in total awe.

Another surprise: how mesmerized I am by every part of these little human beings (a one year old son and a newborn daughter). I feel like I am coming into this with some accumulated wisdom, not only because I am an older parent, but also because of the wisdom I accrued during this long fertility journey. Wisdom along the lines of - having more patience, knowing what is important and what is not, understanding that some things are completely out of my control, and understanding that there can be true beauty in things not going according to plan—and learning to trust the process.

For anyone who feels like their chance to become a parent might be fading, I’d say that today there are very few windows of opportunity that are closed to you- in any realm- if you are willing to be open. I was obstinate in how I wanted to have a baby, I was determined to carry my babies myself, and it was only in letting go of my plan and being open to gestational surrogacy that my miracle happened. Remember that we live in a golden age of science and the science of fertility has made big strides. Research your doctors and get a second opinion—I wish I had sought one sooner. Also, remember the opportunities to have a child are due not only to progress in labs, but also to an increasing number of women who want to change lives with the gift of a child. And laws in many states are now more favorable to surrogacy, after years of discriminatory laws rooted in homophobia. If you know someone who has worked with a surrogate, seek them out—we are very willing to share advice (this primer is a good start). And for those who still find surrogacy a mystery, Kim Kardashian has helped demystify the experience on her reality show—so be sure you’re Keeping Up.