The New Normal with Samantha Boardman

From “as soon as” to “not soon enough.”

This fall, positive psychiatrist Samantha Boardman gave our general state of ennui a name: It’s the “as soon as” lives we’re living—perpetual futurizing based on the belief that over yonder lies a concrete end to COVID and return to “normal” (whatever that means). But now that we’ve vowed to start making a mental shift to living with COVID—and all its attendant uncertainty—we couldn’t think of a better person to call in and get ourselves unstuck.   

The Verse: As much as we keep giving lip service to the ‘new normal,’ I don't think we've actually internalized the idea, because it still feels so shaky and uncertain. What do we do with all that? Are there any coping strategies to get to the acceptance point?

Dr. Boardman: We’re storytelling creatures, right? I think that's what gives us some agency; we like to play things out. This is the beginning, this is the middle, this is the end. We like a narrative that seems coherent. We want to say, I know how this movie ends. We're drawn to those stories and anybody who can give us this safe landing. Yet there's nothing coherent about what's going on—nor, actually, is there ample coherence in life generally.

I think we need to let go of that narrative. We say anxiety = powerlessness x uncertainty. There's a multiplication sign between them because they each amplify the other. We know we have such discomfort with uncertainty as humans; there are studies demonstrating that people would rather experience an uncomfortable electrical shock than wait for something. So knowing that, it’s deciphering what do you have power over? We don't know when the next variant is coming, but we have the power to wear a mask. If uncertainty is a lack of knowledge, you can focus on what you do know. You know those things that actually help you feel strong, those rituals you can adhere to.

Often around the new year, people take a very deficit-based approach to resolutions, like I'm going to do less of something I hate about myself. Instead, this is an opportunity to have a fresh start, to do more of something you love or prioritize spending time with somebody else. Studies show that people who engage in more social resolutions will likely be happier a year from now, and more likely to continue because they’ve made a commitment to the other person. There's also research showing the benefits of “flow” experiences, where you lose yourself in doing something you really enjoy—you think, where did the time go? It might be reading a book, going for a walk or working on a hobby you love. Doing more of whatever engages you, where you find meaning and peace, can help you manage uncertainty.

I think it’s about finding the language for feelings and labeling them—you almost wrap police tape around them—so you can be more action-oriented. I always say, seek the light, be a light hunter; find something that makes you look up. It might be noticing a bird buzzing outside your window—something that delights you. And then incorporating that into your daily life because otherwise, it's incredibly easy to get stuck in that negative spiral of “if only this” or “if only that.” 

How should we take inventory of all the things that have changed for us in the last few years? Can we reflect while we are still in it?

We've seen evidence that decision-making has been deeply impacted by the pandemic. People feel super overwhelmed, even over small decisions—what should I make for dinner? What do I wear today? We don’t often make changes even when we know they might be good for us, and inertia has kicked for most people. At the same time, we’ve had this punctuation point where people have taken stock of what matters and are rethinking whether they’re living their lives according to their values. Are they being the person they say they want to be?

The psychologist Robert Brooks talks about aligning your values with how you live. He asks a series of four questions:

• If you were to ask your kids or your colleagues or your partner to describe you, what three words do you hope they would use that would describe who you are?

• What do you do on a regular basis that would invite them to use those three words that you hope they used to describe you? 

• What three words do you think they would actually use to describe you? 

• What are you doing to close that gap?

I think the pause button has allowed us to ask those questions, to reimagine who we are, how we want to live and how we want our relationships to exist. How you spend your downtime is also important; if you’re checking your email or going through social media, that's not reflective downtime. You need those moments to yourself where you press pause and check in: How am I doing? Am I doing what I say I care about? I'm a big believer in distraction—watching a funny movie or a series—but at the same time, making sure you have moments of downtime that don’t involve a screen.

We loved your three Cs—connecting with others, feeling challenged in some way and contributing to something beyond yourself—from your book Everyday Vitality: Turning Stress into Strength. How can we best apply them at this moment?

Our wellbeing is really about connection to others. That sense of invisible support is more important than ever—showing up for somebody, even in our closest relationships, picking up a coffee for them on your way home or filling up the car with gas for their morning drive. Those little gestures minimize the irritation and foster a sense of felt love for the people we're close to.

Connection with strangers is also important—and it’s been really hard in this pandemic. I read a study about why we don't give compliments, because it feels weird and you think the other person will be like, oh, that person is so strange. But these micro-moments of connection, I like your dog or that's a cool hat you're wearing, can relieve anxiety.

In terms of the challenge piece, it’s when we're learning something that we find flow. Where our skills are meeting the demands of the situation; we’re challenged in that positive way yet there is a desirable level of difficulty. I think it's really important right now, actually more than ever, that we lose ourselves in those moments.

Last is the sense of contributing to something. I've been worried about compassion fatigue. In the beginning, people were full of rainbows and unicorns, supporting one another through it all. Now we need to renew that, to make sure we are there for others. One of the best antidotes we have for stress and uncertainty is to do something for someone else. We should be thinking outside of the narrow lens we've been so fixated on: How is something affecting me? Yes, self-care matters, but when we take it to such an extreme place, where our wellbeing is so individually oriented and self-centered, we lose what makes our lives worth living—our connections to other human beings and to the fabric of life beyond ourselves.

So my wish for everyone’s vitality in 2022 is to have that “other” orientation and less self immersion. You’re going to feel so much better when you deliberately seek out those opportunities and not just think about it, but actually take the steps to do it.