How to Cope with a Friendship Break-Up
The friend fade-out.
We wouldn’t be the first to point out that while we have several well-worn models for romantic break-ups and many more for professional splits, the dissolution of a friendship remains a murky process. While it seems that midlife might minimize the need for this skill, the truth is that it can be a time of unexpected friendship churn. New verses may mean new geographies, or the things that once glued us—say, children in the same school—fall by the wayside. Then, there’s just the simple “life’s too short” of it all, when tolerating toxic behavior is no longer tenable. Sometimes the mutual fade happens, but it requires that you both reach the same conclusion at the same time. For the rest, we’ve rounded up some strategies to weed out what isn’t working.
Is this the end—really?
Since it takes thought and emotional energy to end a friendship, it’s worth deciding if it truly needs to end or whether a less fraught de-prioritization of the relationship could be an antidote. So what does a friendship downgrade look like? First, it probably can go without saying—no official proclamation necessary. It’s more simply about deciding to enjoy time together if the conditions are right (i.e. timing and place are favorable). The friendships that need more delineated endings no longer spark joy, in Kondo speak, or have become downright damaging. This may have been brought to light by a full-blown conflict or maybe just a creeping feeling that engagement is more painful than pleasurable. But we do recommend taking the time to get some clarity on this point before proceeding.
Don’t ghost.
Friendship-shifting conversations are best had in person—or at least over the phone—if possible. Will it be awkward and unpleasant? Sure will. But it helps to keep in mind the difference between hurt and harm. What you say honestly may hurt someone in the moment, but it will not irreparably harm them. Resolve that if you were to recount the story to someone else, you’d want to be proud of the way you handled it—and act accordingly. This isn’t time to recount every slight. Instead, simply state that you no longer have the time to maintain the friendship, and affirm that you wish them nothing but the best.
Fast-forward to your future.
Thinking about a toxic friendship is probably causing you more inner turmoil and exhaustion that you realize. It’s possible you’ve even been having this conversation in your head for weeks, if not months. When you feel yourself dreading this discussion, think about how good you’ll feel to have it done with—not to mention breaking free of the negativity that has you taking action in the first place. Think about the time you’ll save on worrying about the relationship. And remember: You can always walk away (or get off the phone) if the convo goes south.
Take the lesson and run.
In the wreckage of any broken relationship, there are lessons to be learned. Take time to reflect on how you contributed (even if a small bit) to the friendship’s demise—but be kind to yourself, too. The friendship may have simply run its course without reflecting on your friendship skills. Then ask yourself what you’d like to cultivate in other friendships (or not). After all, there’s always a takeaway, and thinking it through will also help you mourn the relationship—even if its time had come.
