Raising Tough Topics Without Raising Hell

Don’t just be about it, talk about it.

Perhaps somewhere in your childhood you were advised on the universal no-nos of social conversation: God, money and politics. While we take the point—such topics can get personal overly fast—we also aren’t going to get to the good stuff if we continually avoid fraught subjects. It seems to us that much of our hesitation in raising such topics is wrapped up in a fear of both judgment and its associated harsh reactions. What is lacking and sorely needed in these modern times is the training to have these debates, and actually employ the art of persuasion, without it becoming a blood sport. After all, with our carefully curated content choices, we could spend all of our days in a blissfully ignorant world where everyone agrees with us—but where’s the fun in that?

Reframe winning.

“The aim of an argument, or of a discussion, should not be victory but progress.” Karl Popper has it right. Too often we enter an exchange with the goal of imposing our will on someone else, missing the opportunity to learn more about why they see things the way they do or consider alternative viewpoints. Thinking of it as a learning exercise will lower the emotional load.

Take it offline.

If we’ve said it once, we’ve said it a thousand times, do not attempt a verbal back-and-forth over text or email—or even the phone if you can help it. All of the non-verbal cues will be absent and the opportunity for misinterpretation is increased exponentially. We also suggest you “take it offline” in the sense that you should consider whether a given debate should be held before an audience. 

Really listen.

We have all fallen into the trap of listening to respond rather than really listening. In his book How to Argue: Powerfully, Persuasively, Positively, Jonathan Herring advises that we listen for 75% of the conversation and use 25% of it to make an argument. 

Find common ground.

You might be anxious to get to your main point or deliver your knockout punch, but you also might find you’re better served by starting with some small things that you are fairly certain the other person does agree with. Try leading with, “I think we can both agree that…”

Make their argument for them.

By acknowledging opposing viewpoints in your argument, you can show the other person that you’re not blind to the flaws of your argument, and that you are open to dissenting opinions.

Know when to fold ‘em.

Sometimes, despite our best efforts, an argument goes nowhere and simply needs to end. You might summarize what you heard the other person’s views to be back to them, and then simply call it even. Let them know that while you don’t share their views, you appreciated the opportunity to hear an opposing argument and valued their willingness to share their thinking.