How to Quiet Your Inner Judge

Hang up your robe.

In the early days of social media, the constant lament was, “Do I really need to see what (insert celebrity name) had for breakfast?” How quaint it seems now that our biggest worry was the ennui that might stem from people’s humdrum posts. In a 1996 speech, John Perry Barlow proclaimed of the internet, “We are creating a world that all may enter without privilege or prejudice accorded by race, economic power, military force, or station of birth. We are creating a world where anyone, anywhere may express his or her beliefs, no matter how singular, without fear of being coerced into silence or conformity.” Well, that went south rather quickly—and judgy wudgy is, in fact, a bear. If we’re being real, our modern need to comment on absolutely everything isn’t contained to our online lives, but has bled into offline conversations as well. But isn’t it time that as grown-ups, we put down our gavels and leave judging to the pros? We’ve rounded up some ways to stop playing critic.

Three little questions.

We’ve all been there. Perhaps a lazy way to fill a lull, play the comic or bond us closer to others, we start throwing out insults or judgments about another person. Sometimes it’s benign (“What was he wearing?”) and sometimes it’s more biting, but either way, there’s one trick to stop us in our tracks when we feel an ugly little comment about to slip out. Simply stop and ask yourself, “Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?” We can now report that from our (mostly) scientific study, that thing you’re about to say almost never passes the test. 

What if?

We enjoyed this whole article, but one question really broke through: “What if someone is doing the best that they can?” This query can equally be applied to yourself as to others. Sometimes we really are doing our best—and yet we fall short or have limitations. Having a little more grace for others will help us to have a little more grace for ourselves in the process.

Own it.

Kyla Sokoll-Ward starts her TED talk with an uber-relatable story of a memorable Uber ride. At the end of the ride, she discovers that all the awful things she has been thinking about her rude driver who can’t bother to say hello to her could not be further from the truth. These moments, when we realize everything we thought we knew about a person or a situation was wrong, demonstrate the folly of our all-too-human, judgmental ways. Sokoll-Ward wisely shares that “when we judge, we rob someone of their depth.” Her remedy for judgment? Curiosity. 

Think IRL terms.

While this article issues much of the same advice, we appreciated its insights around the ways in which digital platforms have skewed the role of judgment. In fact, it once actually served a purpose in our evolutionary life by reinforcing the social norms of the pack. That purpose has been obscured by the firewall of social media: “When you silently cast judgment on someone from afar based on an Instagram story, you don’t get feedback from other people—or even the subject of your judgment—and you don’t learn how to make comments or critiques in a constructive way.”